Feats Outweigh Fears

... as much as I would like to get a full nights sleep, lately it just is not in the cards. I find myself looking at photos of the children from days that don't feel as long gone as they actually are.

I feel myself begin to revert back to the moments in those photographs and the scenes around me drift back into each one. I remember the days in particularly great detail, the surroundings begin to transform into false realities of diminishing time, and the sounds and smells take over my senses entirely.

I see their smiles and movements, their words stunningly clear in my tainted memories. The laughter portrayed fills a void of current presence and brings a very welcomed tear or two along. I look at the photos and feel happiness. Overwhelmingly joyful, irreplaceable, happiness.

I look at these photographs and remember every struggle we've faced together and revisit every lesson that we have taught one another, and feel myself choke up with a genuine sense of pride and accomplishment, knowing without a doubt, that there will never be a love more powerful, than the love of a parent for their children.

Never will there be a more forgiving or unquestionably admirable love than what your children see when they look at you. They learn this aspect of life based upon how you respond to every struggle, blessing, or act you react upon. You as a mother not only physically create their hearts, but you mold them emotionally as well, and that my dears, is scary business. They see how you respond and base their lives on your teachings. Whether or not you realize it, you are teaching them with every word that escapes your tongue, be it silver or golden. Sometimes, it is easy to overlook that and react in ways that set back every lesson you've built up for any particular foundation.

If I were allowed one wish, to be granted without question or based on any circumstance, my wish would be that my children reacted selflessly to the insecurities of life, and rather based their decisions on thoughtful and reasonable thinking. Although, I know it isn't entirely possible because getting what you give is similar to playing Russian Roulette in most cases.

Ask yourself: "If someone tells my children I responded the way I did, will they be proud? Will they understand? Will they agree?" If for no other reason aside from shaping the person whom you want to see your children become.

Here I lay with photographs in hand, memories flooding my mind, questions harboring my conscious and hope for more of these brilliantly clear smiles in future photos, and it all boils down to one thing...

I'm really not more certain who is proud of who, but I am certain that the very beat of my existence is happy to thrive on those dimples seized in the remains of the brief flash of the memories hidden inside these photographs.

This I Promise You...

Less inspiration, more self creation.

We are all making mistakes.

Create a life that feels good on the inside, not just looks good on the outside.

Try something different, even if you don't think it will work.

You do not ever need a reason to help people.

Growing up, it is pretty expensive.

You will find that it is necessary to let things go, simply because they can weigh rather heavily.

Things will always get better.

Mistakes, the portals of discovery.

You can not live a positive life with a negative mind.

Everything is different now, but anything is still possible.

Good things do not come to those who wait. Good things come to those who work their asses off and never give up.

Nothing worth having comes easily. The pressure is good for you.

Do not worry your life away. Forget shit and move on.

Travel often.

Do good.

Others are great, but you can be greater.

Do not be so hard on yourself, someone else will do that for you.

If you would spend less time bitching about life, you would possibly enjoy it more.

You wonderful, brilliant, talented, beautiful, courageous person you.

It is not what you look at that matters most, it's what you see.

In the grand scheme of things, it really is none of your business.

Surround yourself with people who are going to lift you higher, and you make yourself able to do the same for others.

Get lost and find yourself, that is a large part of being able to make others happy, making yourself content firsthand.

Dreams don't work unless you do, do not give up.

Acceptance is Key...

... and acknowledging that something needs acceptance is only the beginning of the war waging within.

My mind has been a whirlwind of chaos over the last two months. The move, the house, the job transfer, the kids, the school work, the pregnancy and the unexpected circumstances in between are driving me silly.

I have so many blessings to be grateful for despite the odds and I continue to thank God for each and every one of them.

The biggest weight has been not in the conditions at hand, but in not being able to place these feelings into words. I've always been able to solidify my emotions into print, rather talented at taking the most scarce of inkling thoughts and turning them into concrete obstacles in my attempt to over come the internal demons that occasionally possess my mind. Lately however, not so much. Not until recently.

I've filled journal after journal page with abstract thoughts and after several attempts to break down the insanity of scribbles and tears, I see a pattern of pain and low tolerances. Everyone gets lonely. Everyone gets scared. Everyone wants happiness.

I think at some point though, when depression weighs upon us, that it eventually runs it's toll until we either figure out what causes it or until we have it treated and medicated. I won't lie to you for the sake of masking my personal levels of pride, I think I was the same level of 'out of it' that Britney was when she went nuts and shaved her head. I just happen to have had children that were strong enough to keep me grounded long enough for me not to lose myself in the hell I had created.

Once I got the news of the pregnancy, what little foundation I had left collapsed around me. I couldn't bring myself to accept the welcomed news right off. It took, oh hell, it's still taking me time to adapt to the fact that his initial response ranged no further than the letter A alphabetically. Abortion and adoption are two options, he said. I however, know that overcoming the obstacles where my children are concerned is exactly what God blessed me with to pull me this far and since the odds were stacked with making a baby in this body anyway, will find the absolute best courage I can muster up and shove this challenge head on, it's my privilege and this baby's right to know the beauty of love and life and laughter. Who the hell did he think he was anyway? Surely God will deal the circumstances he sees fit for both of us in this situation. I have faith.

Speaking of faith. The journal entries. I couldn't understand them. I had written them, I just couldn't process the words in front of me. Frustrated and infuriated that the thoughts written on those pages in front of me, I gave up for a week or so. It left me bitter and confused. I knew if I didn't press on and find something to occupy my mind that it was going to drive me absolutely crazy. Yet, after a weekend that I adored, I could slightly feel the words on those pages beginning to form a picture that was all too familiar and the clarity was becoming breathe taking. I'll save those details because I'll need them to explain another story, but as I always seem to find myself doing, I called upon a very dear person who summed up my theories with one sentence, brace yourselves ...

Would you rather spend half your life with someone who cares for you or would you enjoy spending all of your life alone with the person who makes you the most miserable, yourself?

Well. When you say it like that...

The options become as clear as a sunrise over an empty field. Happiness is worth seeking. Tear down the walls, brick by brick. Melt the ice, molecule by molecule. Learn to smile and say I miss you, all over again. I promise you, your heart is immediately going to begin to heal. You're going to find a peace of mind that has long since been forgotten. Say sweet dreams and good morning, it won't kill you. Make the attempt, because if you do nothing else, you're teaching yourself to open up, and that tight lipped - iced over - hate the world feeling, it all begins to immediately disappear. The relief in saying it is small compared to the flattery of hearing it in return.

The coy little half smirk when you read those messages, it comes back. The heart does still flutter just a little. I promise you all of these things and I also vow to you, you're going to learn to care again in a whole new light. Not just for that person either. You'll view your family relationships more clearly too. Everything that becomes mundane in our routines, it has a ray of sun light pushing you along after you master those concepts. Don't fret, it took me typing and deleting it about six times too. Keep trying.

The problem with closing yourself up is relearning to open yourself when you're speechless and lethargic to your own surroundings. You owe it to yourself to see where this path on your road leads. You deserve that smile. It looks good on you.

Remember that.

The mind directs the eyes...

... and eyes direct the soul.

Live as if everything you do will eventually be known and treat others as if you can see the effects before you act.

Honesty can in fact, be gentle. It is not how much I have been mistreated or how many bad judgment calls I have made in the past that keeps me stuck, it is my fear of acknowledging my contributions to the effects in the present. I have learned however, that a person's contributions to their pain is often no more than holding onto a wound that should have healed a long time ago. I refuse to remain living proof of another persons guilty conscious.

I will not hurt over your decisions because I refuse to take responsibility for my own actions, but I will also not hurt over your decisions to be irresponsible on the same note. Pain breaks down resistance to awareness. If it's really pain, and if I see it perfectly clearly, I can not deny the price I pay for being victim to my own life or my own past. Nothing I do makes the memory of each action float away, but it helps push me until I realize that what I hold onto is what I have.

There is a time to let things happen and a time to make things happen. Permanently comfortable is not optional. The puzzling simplicity of our personal views on the outcomes of our lives are not solved. If we don't move, we die. Mentally and physically.

I grow because my pride has been broken by unyielding realities. I know the difference in the smell of egos rewards and the fragrances of the heart. I grow because you held me up for the rain to wash me down.

A time comes when it's just time to clean house. No, you need to go way beyond a simple spring cleaning. You need to burn the house down with yourself inside of it, then you need to walk away from the ashes and ambers and say to yourself,  I have no name. You can't help anyone by losing your soul. In fact, if it is beginning to destroy you, you can be confident it is not there to help anyone else.

These are lessons I try and internalize...

* There will be better moments than the one that I am standing in that has my spirit broken, that moment will not last forever.

* My children, as testy as they can be, love me unconditionally, and I - them.

* My healing isn't complete. If I hear your name and my heart breaks again just as hard, I've still got things to overcome as a person, it doesn't mean I'm not over you, it just means it's time to work on me.

* People are going to hurt me, the only thing I can do to stop the pain is to keep them from hurting my children too.

* Sometimes, cookies and milk won't fix everything. Although, it's a good place to start.

* Breakfast with my daughter at 4 A.M. is enlightening and fulfilling and just because I'm a little bit sleepy, I'm not hitting that snooze button again, because one day - she's going to realize she doesn't have time for that twenty minute break. I know when that day comes, part of my world is going to shatter around me.

* I've seen the top and bottom of co-workers' habits, if I ever see them in my children, I'll scalp them ... Laziness makes no progress.

* You're still growing as a person, we all are. If you think you're a finalized piece of work, you're probably just a piece of work.

* Sometimes, the people you expect the most from in a difficult situation, will be the very ones who close their own doors in their own faces. Let them close them.

* Life. It's not perfect, but when it's done right... Pride, Tolerance, Humor, and Patience all become a standing foundation for something beautiful.

* Embrace the chaos within, one day you're going to miss it.

* This day is yours. Use it wisely or use it wasted, either way, it's becoming a part of the past.

Mia Borders - Bridge Over Troubled Waters

The danger with insights...

... is that they are oversimplifications, an attempt to put rules and feelings and words on lessons that are specific to each individual, they're really only available to us each as we go along, and by the time we realize them, it is usually too late to make that one experience more profound than any other experience.

Sometimes, I wish we all stayed as innocent and reliable as a child. Rare form. They use their actions and words to have fun, not to process or impress other adults, just to grin and giggle their way through their own days.

I still feel like no matter what I do, what I accomplish, or process, or overcome, life is going to continually be itself and as a result of the crazy hormonally driven instincts it carries, I will continually be left standing on my head at the end of every day. There are no best ways to complete my tasks, only alternatives, none more sensible than the other.

Namely relationships.

They are something exhausting and so much more a matter of expending the energy to keep people out rather than letting them in. Over-analyzing every single detail because that's just what I do. Mentally running through every aspect of the moments enclosed and blocking up a wall because I don't think I can take anymore disappointments or walk aways.

Think about it. How do you keep people out? What are you doing with your eyes? Your words? Are you letting their voice and tone touch you until you feel the sincerity in it or are you only hearing it? Are you using your eyes to see this person and glance into their capabilities as a human and a companion or are you only using your eyes to look them in the eye?

If we seek no imperfections then none are to be seen, but is the effort of flattery not to keep the other person at a distance?

How can there possibly be this much confusion and halting in my mind with a sunset like there was tonight? Why do I want to freeze opening up again when everything else feels right by being allowed to be myself? Why in the hell am I still trying to reform my own emotions?

Increased awareness is increased awarenesses, is it not?

Thinking is a symptom...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WmucougzKn0&feature=youtube_gdata_player