I'm Sorry, but I Need Saving ...

I’m just tired.
Emotionally, physically, and mentally.

I hate this feeling. The feeling that you’re drowning, and no matter how much you struggle and fight, you just keep going down, down, down and further down. You keep sinking further and further, until all of the air in your lungs is gone, and no matter how hard you try to scream, nothing comes out. You can talk to anyone, you can’t say a word. All you can do is keep sinking, just sink, until you finally hit the bottom. You simply want to remember what it’s like to wake up in the morning and not feel sad. 

Depression does not require justification. It is a state of being. You can’t help that you have become that, you simply have to acknowledge and move forward. Feeling guilty about it will only make you that much more depressed. By being in an environment that is perpetually incoherent to you, by allowing yourself to feel miserable, you only add to the chaos of the whirlwind of emotions. STOP feeling lonely. Loneliness will simply devour you slowly day by day. False euphoria won’t help either, don’t make yourself look like a harlot. Sleeping may drown out the bitterness or the hunger or the pain, but it is only temporary.  Alcohol, honey, go to your stove and turn the burner on high and wait about 3 minutes for the heat to fully kick in and then lay your hand down onto the heat (or flame if you’re using a gas stove) and feel the slow and painful torture it’s causing you, because that’s the same damned thing the alcohol is going to do.

It’s almost as though you feel alone and you don’t want anyone to see you that way. You’re not strong enough to ask for help because you don’t want anyone to see you the way you are at this very moment. It’s not that you chose to feel that way; it’s just that pain is all you have left. Only you can light the candles inside your soul to drown out the darkness inside you.  It will be in that moment, the moment that you drown out the semi – intoxicated trance that you are in, the moment that you realize telling yourself that you are nothing, that you don’t want to sink, in that very split second you are going to break. The walls will crash, the tears will come. Let them fall.  

The fact of the matter hides in the realization that it is not that you are too strong to reach out. My loves, it is that you haven’t surrounded yourself with the people you need to reach into your barriers, through your bubbles and pull you to the surface of the top layer of self absorbed chaotic hell that you’ve allowed yourself to be in. YOU NEED THOSE PEOPLE. You need that one person, and in my experience, it has never been a significant other and you cannot wait for your children to be those people, it will kill them. IT FORCES them into a role in life they are completely not prepared for! DO NOT DO THIS TO THEM. You need that friend or family member, the one that you turn to when things become detrimentally fierce and the winds in your soul won’t subside. LET THEM IN. Be strong enough to let them in.

 You are an ocean in this moment, calm and gentle. You can be a raging sea, you just need that push. What you have to realize is that there is a whole world inside of you! You are beautiful. You are lovely. You are charismatic. You are a gift to life. Anyone and everyone’s life. If you wake up and place your hand over your heart and then take a deep breath,   did you feel that beating? Did you inhale fresh air? Now, look around you. Is the sun shining or is the night air completely settled in around you? Do you see the stars in the sky or the rays of the sun beating down onto the freshly dew dipped grass?

YOU ARE HERE BECAUSE YOU MEAN SOMETHING.

Your purpose may not be clear yet, but it has reasoning.  Give it time. Just because you have one bad day, or one bad week, hell I’m almost at the end of one MISERABLE month, do not let that drag you down!!! YOU HAVE GOT THIS! Get your ass in gear and PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER. One step towards progress kicks the hell out of everyone sitting there on the sidelines telling you – you can’t make it, you can’t do it. SCREW ‘em. Get up. Get dressed. Put your plans into action.

Go kick some ass. ;)