NOTES TO MY FUTURE HUSBAND:
Go ahead. Ask Siri how to change a flat tire.
I will never let you forget this moment for as long as we both shall live
I will lose my cell phone at least twice a year.
That’s me. That’s who I am. It’s best if you just consider it one of my endearing flaws.
Shower Sequence
I take longer to get ready. Therefore, I take the first shower. This is simple but important math. If you interrupt this order without warning, you run the risk of throwing the entire universe out of alignment.
An Open Marriage
Just to be clear, Newt Gingrich didn’t ask for an open marriage. That raging narcissist asked his ailing wife for permission to continue cheating. There’s a huge difference.
Orgasms > Generic Compliments
Something else to remember the next time you fuck up.
Girlfriends
Treat mine well. They know more about you than you could possibly imagine.
Procrastination
The longer you wait, the harder it gets. There is only one situation where this works out well.
Birthday Blues
When I say I don’t want anything and am going to skip celebrating this year, whatever you do, don’t believe me.
Our vows
will not include the word “obey.”
Batteries
If I ever have to steal the batteries from your remote control to use in my vibrator, you should probably take the hint.
Gym Memberships
Are not considered presents. If you decided to ‘surprise’ me with one, I’ll know you think I’m fat and will retaliate by leaving stacks of penile implant brochures around the house for your viewing pleasure.
Diet Coke
Not Coke, Pepsi, Coke Zero or fucking Diet Dr. Pepper. And if you drink my last one, we’re gonna have problems. Big problems.
Bad Moods
I get it, you’re hungry and had a lousy day at work. Go eat a sandwich then rub one out or something but don’t take that shit out on me. If I wanted to live with an overbearing menopausal woman I would’ve married your mother.
Climate Control
Don’t you dare touch that fucking thermostat! I am a delicate flower and you pee on trees. Adapt.
My Ass
Patting it, pinching it, spanking it, biting it, fucking it, and occasionally lighting fires underneath it each have their appropriate moment. Your discretion is key. Use it wisely.
Before knocking me up
just know, if I don’t get to drink for nine months, then you don’t get to drink for nine months.
Nagging
I prefer the term “training.” Deal with it.
Text Messages
I don’t snoop. You don’t snoop. In case you ever did, though, you might find my best girlfriend listed in my phone as “Tucker” just to fuck with you.
A Prenup
Hell yes, we got one. Just because we’re in love doesn’t mean we’re gonna make shitty legal and financial decisions.
Sewing, thrifting, and cupcakery
If I turn into a lobotomized Jesus freak who gives up my career for our marriage and then starts blogging about this kind of insufferable bullshit, you have my permission to smother me with a pillow like McMurphy at the end of “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.”
Jennifer Aniston
You don’t understand her appeal. I don’t understand her appeal. No matter what else happens, we’ll always have that in common.
This I Promise You
There will be a strict No Pants policy as soon as one walks over the threshold to our bedroom.
If I Die Young
Part of your postmortem husbandly duties are to go through all of my things and throw out the embarrassing shit before my mother gets to it.
No soul patches near my lady garden
Lack of consultation with me on radical appearance changes may result in your penis getting a brief time out from my vagina until my brain cabin depressurizes.
Double Standards
I get to be curiousl and you don’t. You get to fart and I don’t. Considering the oppressive gender politics endured by previous generations, I think we can both live with that.
Joint Accounts
Keep your passwords. Keep your facebook. Keep your email. I’d like the spam lists I’m on to stay private just as much as you’d prefer not to tell me about the weird Adam and Eve order you made ‘for a friend’ a few years ago.
Let’s have a TV
just for video game consoles.
You do not have to spoon me
It’s hot and my arm’s asleep. Let’s call it even and I’ll see you in the morning.
Just as a rule
don’t be The Craigslist Killer.
Your job
I know I’m ‘the free spirited one’, but you’re not allowed to be doing something that makes you miserable. Sorry. We’ll fucking live in a box, it’s fine.
Jewelry
There is not a holiday where this is going to be appropriate. I know you’re in this for the long haul, so you won’t try to pull any Kay Jewelers-status crap with me at the beginning — but if we’re 90 and you’re trying to figure out how to make some random anniversary special, just write me a funny bullet list.
The Proposal
You will not make a public spectacle of asking to marry me or I will say no just to jack with you on general principle.
www.notestomyfuturehusband.com
Go ahead. Ask Siri how to change a flat tire.
I will never let you forget this moment for as long as we both shall live
I will lose my cell phone at least twice a year.
That’s me. That’s who I am. It’s best if you just consider it one of my endearing flaws.
Shower Sequence
I take longer to get ready. Therefore, I take the first shower. This is simple but important math. If you interrupt this order without warning, you run the risk of throwing the entire universe out of alignment.
An Open Marriage
Just to be clear, Newt Gingrich didn’t ask for an open marriage. That raging narcissist asked his ailing wife for permission to continue cheating. There’s a huge difference.
Orgasms > Generic Compliments
Something else to remember the next time you fuck up.
Girlfriends
Treat mine well. They know more about you than you could possibly imagine.
Procrastination
The longer you wait, the harder it gets. There is only one situation where this works out well.
Birthday Blues
When I say I don’t want anything and am going to skip celebrating this year, whatever you do, don’t believe me.
Our vows
will not include the word “obey.”
Batteries
If I ever have to steal the batteries from your remote control to use in my vibrator, you should probably take the hint.
Gym Memberships
Are not considered presents. If you decided to ‘surprise’ me with one, I’ll know you think I’m fat and will retaliate by leaving stacks of penile implant brochures around the house for your viewing pleasure.
Diet Coke
Not Coke, Pepsi, Coke Zero or fucking Diet Dr. Pepper. And if you drink my last one, we’re gonna have problems. Big problems.
Bad Moods
I get it, you’re hungry and had a lousy day at work. Go eat a sandwich then rub one out or something but don’t take that shit out on me. If I wanted to live with an overbearing menopausal woman I would’ve married your mother.
Climate Control
Don’t you dare touch that fucking thermostat! I am a delicate flower and you pee on trees. Adapt.
My Ass
Patting it, pinching it, spanking it, biting it, fucking it, and occasionally lighting fires underneath it each have their appropriate moment. Your discretion is key. Use it wisely.
Before knocking me up
just know, if I don’t get to drink for nine months, then you don’t get to drink for nine months.
Nagging
I prefer the term “training.” Deal with it.
Text Messages
I don’t snoop. You don’t snoop. In case you ever did, though, you might find my best girlfriend listed in my phone as “Tucker” just to fuck with you.
A Prenup
Hell yes, we got one. Just because we’re in love doesn’t mean we’re gonna make shitty legal and financial decisions.
Sewing, thrifting, and cupcakery
If I turn into a lobotomized Jesus freak who gives up my career for our marriage and then starts blogging about this kind of insufferable bullshit, you have my permission to smother me with a pillow like McMurphy at the end of “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.”
Jennifer Aniston
You don’t understand her appeal. I don’t understand her appeal. No matter what else happens, we’ll always have that in common.
This I Promise You
There will be a strict No Pants policy as soon as one walks over the threshold to our bedroom.
If I Die Young
Part of your postmortem husbandly duties are to go through all of my things and throw out the embarrassing shit before my mother gets to it.
No soul patches near my lady garden
Lack of consultation with me on radical appearance changes may result in your penis getting a brief time out from my vagina until my brain cabin depressurizes.
Double Standards
I get to be curiousl and you don’t. You get to fart and I don’t. Considering the oppressive gender politics endured by previous generations, I think we can both live with that.
Joint Accounts
Keep your passwords. Keep your facebook. Keep your email. I’d like the spam lists I’m on to stay private just as much as you’d prefer not to tell me about the weird Adam and Eve order you made ‘for a friend’ a few years ago.
Let’s have a TV
just for video game consoles.
You do not have to spoon me
It’s hot and my arm’s asleep. Let’s call it even and I’ll see you in the morning.
Just as a rule
don’t be The Craigslist Killer.
Your job
I know I’m ‘the free spirited one’, but you’re not allowed to be doing something that makes you miserable. Sorry. We’ll fucking live in a box, it’s fine.
Jewelry
There is not a holiday where this is going to be appropriate. I know you’re in this for the long haul, so you won’t try to pull any Kay Jewelers-status crap with me at the beginning — but if we’re 90 and you’re trying to figure out how to make some random anniversary special, just write me a funny bullet list.
The Proposal
You will not make a public spectacle of asking to marry me or I will say no just to jack with you on general principle.
www.notestomyfuturehusband.com
No comments:
Post a Comment