My Destiny is NOT TIED TO YOU!

Watch "Let Them Walk - Bishop T.D. Jakes" on YouTube

My destiny is not tied to any former relationship of any sorts if they chose to walk out of my life. Not mine and not the lives of my children!

I cannot control the actions of others. I cannot control the way that they made me feel. For that matter, I cannot control the way that it made them feel. I can only control how I choose to deal with them walking away. I can control how I let it affect future decisions, I can't let it control how I respond to people in my future, I can even let it control who I choose to let into my life.

What I will not let it control, is my capability to return the love that someone is willing to show me.

When someone opens their heart to you, when they trust you with their secrets and dreams, when they instill their hope into the words that escape from your lips, show that person the person that you are capable of being. Let yourself experience the fact that no two souls are the same. Show yourself that you are strong enough to step forward with your life.

Letting someone allow you to do any less than that weakens the spirit and allows life to accomplish the task of kicking you down.

You are stronger than the baggage that you carry, and you don't feel that way, maybe it is time for you to start unpacking.

RUN! RUN like the wind my brother, RUN! ;)

Sometimes thinking about your life and sorting out what you have learned is just as important as tackling a new venture.   I read that today and it struck a nerve.  Repeated mistakes keep seeming to bite me in the toes here lately.  Then there was more, a list. A list of 26 things the author had learned in 26 years.  Again, another nerve. As the first 23 seemed to directly relate to my life. In no particular order.  So I'm passing this along with the hope that maybe someone else will see it, sit back, and re-evaluate a situation. Sometimes, if we close our eyes, the light seems brighter when we get the patience to handle opening them again. :))

Being an adult can be fun when you are acting like a child.
Love has nothing to do with looks, but everything to do with time, trust, and interest.
Laughing, crying, joy and anger… All are a vital.  All make us human.
The greatest truths in life are uncovered with simple, steady awareness.
Greed will bury even the lucky eventually.
Bad things do happen to good people.
Paving your own road is intelligent only if nobody has gone exactly where you are going.
Uncertainty is caused by a lack of knowledge.  Hesitation is the product of fear.
Time heals all wounds… regardless of how you feel right now.
Most of the time what you are looking for is right in front of you.
Your health is your life.
Chance is a gift, so act on chance when given the opportunity.
Kindness and hard work will take you further than intelligence.
People deserve a second chance, but not a third.
Marry your best friend.
Take lots of pictures.  Someday you’ll be really glad you did.
Money makes life easier only when the money is yours free and clear.
Carelessness is the root of failure
Your actions now create memories you will reminisce and talk about in your elder years.
Stepping outside of your comfort zone will put things into perspective from an angle you can’t grasp now.
Motivation comes in short bursts.  Act while it’s hot.
Purposely ignoring the obvious is like walking backwards toward the enemy.
Taking ownership of failure builds the foundation for success.

In Fact, They Never Made 'Em Like Me Before! :)

You'll see this quote in my blog pretty regularly:

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others hearts. You'll blame a new love for things an old love did. You'll fight with your best friend, you'll cry because time is flying by, and you'll eventually lose somebody you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely and love like you've never been hurt… Cause every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back.

Everyone at some point will let you down. Everyone. Even your mother. The key to that is knowing that you, all on your lonesome, can pick your own self back up and come back, stronger. The key is always stronger. If you didn't learn from the lesson you were just taught, you better get ready to go through it again, at triple the speed with quadruple the consequences, cause it's gonna happen. Quote me on it. The lessons are going to vary, the people will be different every time--even if they remind you of someone from your past, don't ever treat them the same--the weather won't be sunny every day, the rain isn't a guaranteed first kiss sort of thing. Stick to the plan. If you can't manage the courage to do that, step back and re-think it. Don't ever, ever, ever, leave anywhere upset, especially if it's somewhere your loved ones are. Treasure those moments where the children are the highlight. One day, they won't be kids anymore. But above all else. Know that if something is important enough to be in your life, you'll make the time for it, if it's not, then you'll find a way to shrug it off.

We run back to each other when it's convenient. We know that in the end, we're meant for each other but not for right now. So we play these games, act like we're okay when one of us has someone else. When in reality it tears us apart to know that we can be happy with someone else. But it's that slight hope that we will end up together that always keeps us running back for more.

I can pretend all day long that seeing you with someone else won't hurt me. That calling you a douchebag makes me feel better. That I can cut the radio off when that song comes on, or that Monday nights don't suck with out you. Notice I said I can pretend. There is a part of me that begs to just let go, just end all contact and never speak to you again, just because it kills me a little more each time. Then there's the woman my mother and father raised. The one with the Southern charm and  grace that could only be instilled through practice and defeat. I smile when I see you, politely raise my right hand--not the left because that hand reminds me of the ring and broken promises-- and I nod a broken and almost inaudible "hello" in a strong and lady like manner. Thinking all the while you speak your broken introduction you'll be calling me in a few hours, completely unsober,  telling me what a "Good ol' Gal" I am, and that in a perfect world, Someone is going to come and sweep me off my feet, that I'm a beautiful person, inside and out, and one day.. .One day I'll realize that... The truth my dear, is that I refuse to let that happen. Because of you, all the tears, and the trials, and all the laughter and happiness in between, I refuse to let anyone in. The walls the barriers. All because I let myself feel because I trusted you. Trust. We don't want to go there with this one either. We know that deep down, I have the ability, but I know that deep down you did more damage than I'll ever give anyone the opportunity to do again. Period. So I'll continue to smile and give my best to not appear broken all while keeping the conversations as to the point as possible, just know that deep down, I'm conflicted with how I feel about you. Miserably conflicted.

If people sat outside and looked at the stars each night I'll bet they'd live a lot differently.


This is something I do every chance I get. I go out back under the pecan tree, sit on the concrete steps, lean back and clear my mind. To be lost under the stars, to be hit with the reality that we're just one person, in such a big world, it's enough to make someone swimmy headed. Look up and think, or better yet. Look up and try to shut your mind off. Let go of all the what-if's the can's and don't(s) and just stare up. Remember a childhood moment, or a fond memory and pull in as much detail as you can. Weigh a situation out in your life. Either way. I promise you'll find some sort of peace in it. Promise.




We’d never know what’s wrong without the pain. Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same 

It's self explanatory really. You just need to learn to face it one malfunction at a time. Don't sweat what doesn't matter. Don't spend all your time trying to figure out what does matter. Just take it all in stride. Sometimes, when you can't make the call, letting someone else make the decision isn't always what's right, and it damned sure isn't going to feel like it is, but you can do it..... and even if it's not right, and feels like it's the hardest thing to do, something down the road is going to be harder, and you'll already have experience in that department. Won't be too  bad. ;)) Smile. 

 In a world where you can be anything, be yourself.


Depending on someone else to complete you is simply... not worth the wait.
Be you. Always put you in first gear. Without you being in complete control of your own life, how can you help anyone else with anything else to  100% of your capability?  


This is why you should never, ever get your hopes up. This is why you should see the glass as half empty. So when the whole thing spills, you aren't as devastated.

Also, self explanatory. It's called protection of the heart. That's the most valuable possession any one could ever have in their playbook. Your heart. The door to the soul that could make or break any being down to their knees. Remember, when you hit that point, the tears are uncontrollable, the emotions are a river flowing at the rate of mass flooding, it's impossible to feel any emotion out side of fear and hurt, the heart is literally bursting to the beat of every pump when it feels like breaking isn't an option but bursting and relieving pressure is a necessity... That's the point where you have to remember, .... You're on your knees already, BOW YOUR HEAD, and give the problem to God. You're in the perfect position to pray. To those who feel the need to give up, I say, Trust life a little bit. ;))

They don't make 'em like me no more...

I....

Remember.....
Before the Internet & text messaging.

Before Sidekicks & iPods.

Before MIKE JONESSS

Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX.

Before the 5 hours of homework you put off every night.

WHEN LIGHT UP SNEAKERS WERE KOOL

When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs.

When gas was $0.95 a gallon & Caller ID was a new thing.

When we recorded stuff on VCRs & paid $3.50 for a movie.

When we called the radio station to request songs to hear off our walkmans.

When 2Pac and Biggie where alive.

When the Chicago Bulls were the best team ever.

Way back......

Tag.
Get Over Here!!!! means something to you.

Hide-n-Go Seek in the dark.

Red Light, Green Light.

Heads Up 7 Up. (played this game in school a lot)

Playing Kickball & Dodgeball even Wallball.

Hopskotch.

Slip-n-Slides.

Tree Houses.

Hula Hoops.
Reading R.L. Stine's Goose Bumps.

The annoying Nano Pets & Furbies.

Running through the sprinklers.

Crying when Mufasa died in the Lion King.

Happy Meals where you chose a Barbie or a Hot Wheels car.

Getting the privelege to sit in the front seat of the car.

Drinking Sqeeze It "Squeeze The Fun Out Of It"

Wait....

Watching Saturday Morning Cartoons in your PJ's still wrapped up in your Garfield comforter.

Hey Arnold

Doug

Rugrats.
The original Power Rangers

Or what about:

The Secret Life of Alex Mac.

Ren & Stimpy.

Double Dare.

Rocko's Modern Life.

AAAHH!! REAL MONSTERS.

Wild & Crazy Kids.

Clarissa Explains it All.

salute your shorts(CAMP ANAWANA)

Are You Afraid of the Dark? (LOVED THIS SHOW)

The original cast members of all that.

Kenan & Kel.
magic school bus.

UREKA'S CASTLE **This brings me to a state of nostalgia I can't even begin to explain!!**

flash forward.

pete and pete.

legends of the hidden temple.

hey dude.

dinosaurs.

pinky and the brain.

blossom.

hangin with mr.cooper.

wishbone.

bill-nye the science guy.

kablamm.
Who could forget Snick? & Nick @ Nite with Bewitched, I Dream of Jenie, The Facts of Life & I Love Lucy.

Where everyone wanted to be in love after watching The Wonder Years.

or nick jr. with face

gulah gulah island

little bear

under the umbrella tree

the busy world of richard scary!

the adventures of winnie the pooh

NINJA TURTLES

...
Kool-Aid was the drink of choice.

Wearing your new shoes on the first day of school.

Class field trips.

POGS
When Christmas was the most exciting time of year.

When $5 seemed like a million, & another dollar a miracle.

When Toys R Us was the best place to be.

Go back to the time when....

Decisions were made by going 'eeny-meeny-miney-moe'.

Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming 'do over!'

'Race issue' ment arguing about who ran the fastest.

Money issues were handled by whoever was banker in 'Monopoly'.

It wasn't odd to have two or three 'best' friends.

Being old referred to anyone over 20.

A chance to skate as a couple at the local roller rink was like winning the lottery.

Scrapes & bruises were kissed & made better.

It was a big deal to finally be tall enought to ride the 'big people' rides at the fair.

When playing Nintendo was the hardest thing ever.

When Ninja Turtles ruled the world.

When Lisa Frank was the raddest thing ever.

When a candy bar at the grocery store was the highlight of your day.

When coupons collected all year could get you a prize in your class auction.

When the only thing you cried over was your mom being late to pick you up.

When stress was addition and subtraction.

When friendships were as complicated as who's house to sleep over and who's to TP

When shaving cream was just meant for play.

When holding hands only lead to cooties.

When valentines day meant cards for all.

When birthdays were a class event.

When a friend moving away was the saddest day of your life. (Yeah, that's still no good)

maybe even when your friends didn't break off into different crowds, you were all one group.


who would have thought you'd miss the 90's so much ??

In a perfect world sex and love would come with warning labels

NOTES TO MY FUTURE HUSBAND:

Go ahead. Ask Siri how to change a flat tire.
I will never let you forget this moment for as long as we both shall live

I will lose my cell phone at least twice a year.
That’s me. That’s who I am. It’s best if you just consider it one of my endearing flaws.

Shower Sequence
I take longer to get ready. Therefore, I take the first shower. This is simple but important math. If you interrupt this order without warning, you run the risk of throwing the entire universe out of alignment.

An Open Marriage
Just to be clear, Newt Gingrich didn’t ask for an open marriage. That raging narcissist asked his ailing wife for permission to continue cheating. There’s a huge difference.

Orgasms > Generic Compliments
Something else to remember the next time you fuck up.

Girlfriends
Treat mine well. They know more about you than you could possibly imagine.

Procrastination
The longer you wait, the harder it gets. There is only one situation where this works out well.

Birthday Blues
When I say I don’t want anything and am going to skip celebrating this year, whatever you do, don’t believe me.

Our vows
will not include the word “obey.”

Batteries
If I ever have to steal the batteries from your remote control to use in my vibrator, you should probably take the hint.

Gym Memberships
Are not considered presents. If you decided to ‘surprise’ me with one, I’ll know you think I’m fat and will retaliate by leaving stacks of penile implant brochures around the house for your viewing pleasure.
Diet Coke
Not Coke, Pepsi, Coke Zero or fucking Diet Dr. Pepper. And if you drink my last one, we’re gonna have problems. Big problems.

Bad Moods
I get it, you’re hungry and had a lousy day at work. Go eat a sandwich then rub one out or something but don’t take that shit out on me. If I wanted to live with an overbearing menopausal woman I would’ve married your mother.

Climate Control
Don’t you dare touch that fucking thermostat!  I am a delicate flower and you pee on trees. Adapt.

My Ass
Patting it, pinching it, spanking it, biting it, fucking it, and occasionally lighting fires underneath it each have their appropriate moment. Your discretion is key. Use it wisely.

Before knocking me up
just know, if I don’t get to drink for nine months, then you don’t get to drink for nine months.
  
Nagging
I prefer the term “training.” Deal with it.

Text Messages
I don’t snoop. You don’t snoop. In case you ever did, though, you might find my best girlfriend listed in my phone as “Tucker” just to fuck with you.

A Prenup
Hell yes, we got one. Just because we’re in love doesn’t mean we’re gonna make shitty legal and financial decisions.

Sewing, thrifting, and cupcakery
If I turn into a lobotomized Jesus freak who gives up my career for our marriage and then starts blogging about this kind of insufferable bullshit, you have my permission to smother me with a pillow like McMurphy at the end of “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.”

Jennifer Aniston
You don’t understand her appeal. I don’t understand her appeal. No matter what else happens, we’ll always have that in common.

This I Promise You
There will be a strict No Pants policy as soon as one walks over the threshold to our bedroom.

If I Die Young
Part of your postmortem husbandly duties are to go through all of my things and throw out the embarrassing shit before my mother gets to it.

No soul patches near my lady garden
Lack of consultation with me on radical appearance changes may result in your penis getting a brief time out from my vagina until my brain cabin depressurizes.

Double Standards
I get to be curiousl and you don’t. You get to fart and I don’t. Considering the oppressive gender politics endured by previous generations, I think we can both live with that.

Joint Accounts
Keep your passwords. Keep your facebook. Keep your email. I’d like the spam lists I’m on to stay private just as much as you’d prefer not to tell me about the weird Adam and Eve order you made ‘for a friend’ a few years ago.
  
Let’s have a TV
just for video game consoles.

You do not have to spoon me
It’s hot and my arm’s asleep. Let’s call it even and I’ll see you in the morning.

Just as a rule
don’t be The Craigslist Killer.

Your job
I know I’m ‘the free spirited one’, but you’re not allowed to be doing something that makes you miserable. Sorry. We’ll fucking live in a box, it’s fine.

Jewelry
There is not a holiday where this is going to be appropriate. I know you’re in this for the long haul, so you won’t try to pull any Kay Jewelers-status crap with me at the beginning — but if we’re 90 and you’re trying to figure out how to make some random anniversary special, just write me a funny bullet list.

The Proposal
You will not make a public spectacle of asking to marry me or I will say no just to jack with you on general principle.

www.notestomyfuturehusband.com

A memory no one can steal and a heartache no one can heal ...

Your full name without repeating any letters:

• Amy Stroud

Your date of birth without repeating any numbers:

• 12/5/986

FIVE things you wish you could say to FIVE different people right now:

• The world doesn’t revolve around you
• I wish I could tell you how I really felt cause it's messing with my head.
• I don't think you quite understand, you seriously pissed me off when you lied to me, asshole.
• You underestimate me, stop it, you're letting yourself down, I haven't drowned yet.
• You're acting like a child, man the hell up.

SIX things about yourself

• I love shoes, I never wear them.
• I have no idea how the hell I've made it this far in life and not had a nervous breakdown.
• I have a problem with SAHM's who think they deserve a fricking award. Walk in a single parents shoes damnit.
• I’m very very worried about money at the minute. More than I should be.
• I like spending time alone but I don’t want to be that lonely old lady with 8 cats, even though I joke about it. I'm actually rather sick of the single life, but I know I'm not ready to jump fully into a relationship, and secretly, I think I've figured out why.
• I have entirely too many clothes.

THREE things that set you apart from other girls/boys:

• I would love, love, love, to have a job that allowed me to watch ESPN all day long. Seriously.
• I absolutely hate for a guy to open the door for me, it drives me nuts.
• I’m obsessive about trucks.

FIVE ways to win your heart:

• Don’t lie to me. Like ever. Especially about your lack of being divorced.
• I'm super sick of head games. Just be blunt. It isn't hard to do, I do it for you.
• Lay off the "where are you, what are you doing" texts. I update my latitude, update yours.
• Please, my last relationship gave me enough self esteem issues to last for a lifetime. Don't be the cold to affection asshole, show me that you're attracted to me.
• MAKE ME THINK. Open my mind. Listen to me ramble. I'm actually more interesting than you think.

FOUR things you do before you fall asleep:

• Turn the pillow to the cold side.
• The kids and I say our prayers.
• Set my alarm.
• Snuggle up to the kids.

FOUR things you see right now:

• Laptop
• FIJI water bottle
• Picture of the babies
• Cell phone lighting up from a phone call

THREE songs that you’ve been listening to lately:

• Florida Georgia Line ft Nelly - Cruise
• Nobody in His Right Mind - George Strait
• Someone Like You - Adele

TWO things you want to do before you die:

• Travel the world. California and Italy in particular.
• Write a book and have it published.

ONE confession:

• I’m convinced I’ll never be completely happy enough with one person to settle down and begin a life together. Absolutely horrified of that actually.

Come a lil closer darlin' ...

On a scale from one to ten, how happy are you?

Vaguely a 7. I'd rather not release details of the decline at this moment in time, I'd just like to sit here and ruin one day of a work out with my mint chocolate chip ice cream and smother myself in the thoughts of what not to do when exiting the shower post baby oil usage, my knee hurts.

Have you ever cried uncontrollably on a friend’s shoulder before?
My mother's. Which, happens to be my best friend, so. . . yes. Aside from that, I have one female friend that I consider a "true friend" and she listens to me whine nearly everyday as for some unfair reason I have idiot magnet written on my forehead, and for that (and for our two plus hours a day on the phone) I think they're the best women in the world. . . If you mean on a guys shoulder? No. My guy friends look at me like I look at them and say "Let's go work on that 'insert whatever vehicle part I've managed to screw up that day' and we roll out. . . I told you, girly girl isn't in my vocabulary. I have the heart of a man and the mentality of a scorned woman, crying doesn't happen often at all.

Looking back, did you ever think you would be where you are now?
Ha. With two kids, single mommin' it up, still trying to find my way through the scheduling dating into real life scene by looking for Mr. Right in a town full of All Wrong, renting an apartment so close to my location of employment that I can literally hear the delivery truck run on Sunday nights and re-enrolling my kids into a city school? - Well Hell No.

Do you remember who you had feelings for December 2008?
I'm not getting into that. See Blog post about it being my heart and not your thingy. I'd rather not jump ship on a half ass decent mood.

Is there that one guy/girl that you’ll always have feelings for no matter what?
I used to think that, but, no.  People change. Memories change. Time rewrites the scripts in our souls.

Who were you last in a car with?
Myself, before that, my two beautiful - angelic children.

What color was the last pill you took?
Blue. Aleeve. Oh swweeet aleeve.

Has more than one person ever told you they’re in love with you?
People say things sometimes that they don't mean...

When is the next time you will leave your house?
Six hours from now.

Has someone ever called you at midnight on your birthday?
Nope.

When was the last time you saw your mom?
Bout an hour ago.

Who has the ability to hurt you the most emotionally?
Me, and I do, a lot more than I should.

Would you ever be a stripper?
I would have a pimp that was blind, that played piano, and he'd have to have dreads and be a white guy with a name like Alf or Chucky or something absolutely unexpected, and he'd have to wear the Ray Charles glasses and sit on stage with me and play a Taylor Swift song, that'd be the only way.

Would you rather someone lie to protect you or be honest and hurt you?
Hurt me, chances are I'm going to hurt myself believing your lie any damned way.

Do you have feelings for anyone?
Sure. The capability to feel is in my scope of possibility.

How many people have you had strong feelings for in the year of 2013?
One. Big Mistake, big, big, big, huge mistake.
Men lie, women lie. Men lie, women lie. Men lie better.

In the next 48 hours will you hang out with a guy?
I'm sure the co-worker will tolerate my presence in the morning, since he's getting paid to be there and what-not. ;)

Do you have someone who you can be your complete self around?
I'm myself regardless. It's people being themselves around me that I seem to not be able to achieve the pleasure of experiencing.

Does the person you have feelings for start with any of these letters: B, L, D, or M?
I'd assume you meant some sort of an emotional attachment towards? There's only one, and no.

What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Diving spoon first into my ice cream, loathing my voicemails, and cursing at Jillian Micheals.

Did you have an exciting weekend?
Any weekend with my two imaginative bebe children is exciting. ;)

What did you look like the last time you kissed someone?
Um. Pass. Pass. Pass.

When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in the face?
That would have been today. I was pretty hot over something that ran through my checking account, knowing damned well I was at home all weekend.

How many hours did you sleep last night?
Two. The wind. Flippin' wind ...

How often do you sleep in?
Does sleeping in count as sleeping in if you go to bed earlier than usual the night before?

Still talk to the person you fell hardest for?
Sometimes. He's working across country and my ego won't let me admit how wrong I was, so, I keep my contact to small flirtations and limit the conversation to "awkward chat" .. ridiculous, I know. Funny how wishing you could say "I totally screwed us up." always turns into "How are your kids doing?" ... smh.

Within the next 6 months, what are you looking forward to MOST?
Time will tell. :)

What are your plans for tomorrow?
GTL. Ha. I kid. Work. Kids. Trail. Laundry. Tan. Dinner. School. Baths. Bed. *yay*

Are you more of an outspoken person or a quiet one?
Oh. Outspoken. Most definitely outspoken.
I could use a verbal filter, no doubt about it.

Is there anybody you truly hate?
Does occasional consideration of the hiring of a hit man count as hate?

Would you ever consider going to college for the Fashion industry?
No. My jeans and a t-shirt wardrobe wouldn't survive.

Do you enjoy Disney movies?
Of course. I could use a fairy Godmother for sure.

When was the last time you shed a tear?
Oh heavens. It's been a minute. I'm a cold person at times. I'm aware.

What should you be doing right now?
Sleeping. . . but I think I need to start drugging the sandman, so I'm plotting that instead.

What are you craving right now?
A chocolate Dr. Pepper, but I refuse.

Who has been there the most out of your friends?
My mother and Jess. Without a doubt.

Who could you say has seen you at your worse?
My mother.
Hands down.

Think of the last person who hurt you, do you forgive them?
I forgive, but I have a hard time forgetting.

Is the last person you texted dating you?
No. We talked about it, decided we were better off as friends and didn't cross that bridge. Thankfully so, because he's happily married now. :) and she is absolutely a catch.

 Are you counting down for anything?
The kids coming home tomorrow. The age of spending the night with friends is upon me and I actually dislike it, a very good bit.

What is something you currently want right now?
A winning lottery ticket.
I'm not asking for much, one stinking little piece of paper.
Really.

If you could go anywhere right now where would it be?
California.
Bucket List.

What is the closest thing to you that is blue?
My key chain rack.

Do you think it’s weird for someone to have never tried Coke-a-cola?
If they'd rather not ingest something that can remove battery acid from the battery connectors, I can't much blame them.

How would you feel about traveling abroad alone?
Nervous. I'd go anyway though.

Who knows the most about you (besides yourself)?
Jess. Cheyney. My kids.

Do you have a nervous habit? (e.g. biting nails, tapping feet, smoking)
Smoking. Nasty and vile, I know.

Have you ever broken into someone’s house?
NO! My own, yes.

Who was your last text from?
Now? Andrew.

Would/have you ever kiss your best friend’s boyfriend/girlfriend?
No!

Have you ever had a girl best friend?
Yes. Every girl has one.

What about a boy best friend?
My best guy friend, is the one who knows me better than I know me, I can't penalize him for that. We're too much alike.

Do you miss the way things used to be?
Not at all.

Today did you hug a person you have feelings for?
I hugged my mommy.

Have you hugged anyone in the last 72 hours?
Mom, Jess, kids, Robert, and an un-named ex I ran into at the gas station... bout it.

What do you usually do when the clock turns 11:11?
What am I supposed to do?
 
Is there someone you don’t ever want to be out of your life?
Of course. Everyone is here for a reason.

Do you give out second chances too easily?
No. It's a fault and it continues to allow me to embrace the side of me that (as a friend put it over the weekend) keeps me terminally single.

Would you date a 13 year old at the age you are now?
OH Heaven's NO!

How often do you drink energy drinks?
Not often at all actually.
 

You’re trapped in a room for 3 days with the person you fell the hardest for, any problems?
Something tells me there'd be no problems at all.

How was your day overall?
Better to worse to best.

Is tanning your thing?
Absolutely.

When was the last time you showered?
Hour ago.

Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”?
Nope. :)

Do you want to be single?
I'm content. I'm too much of a mess to enjoy a relationship for what it is fully valued at - at the present time, given my emotional hang up on the last one that I haven't recovered from yet. Thank you.

When’s the last time you were kissed on the cheek/lips?
Cheek? Three weeks.

When was the last time you laughed really hard?
Today. Commercials tickle me. :)

Who did you last sleep in the same bed with?
My kids. Before that. . . None of your concern.

Last four people to text you?
Andrew, Jess, Carl, Daddy

Last three things you had to drink?
Water, Water, Water.

You have to get a tattoo, where and what do you get?
Script Scroll - Left rib/side - matching the scroll on my lower back - double sided to say love/pain

Have you ever been awake for 2 days straight?
Yes. ABSOLUTELY HORRID.

Where do you want to live when you grow up?
I'd be content near Norco or Kenner, but I'm probably not going anywhere realistically.

Think back five months ago, were you single?
No.

Does anyone completely understand you?
Hell, I don't even understand me.

It’s 4 in the morning, your phone rings who is it?
I'm sure it's someone needing a ride, so I'm sure I'd be calling our new taxi driver. ;)

What do you own with zebra print on it?
Oh. Dear. Sweet. Baby. Jesus. What do I not own with zebra print on it is a better question.

You just drank 15 shots, what would you be doing?
Praying someone is helping me home.

Whats your favorite type of flower?
Magnolias. :)

I'm Sorry, but I Need Saving ...

I’m just tired.
Emotionally, physically, and mentally.

I hate this feeling. The feeling that you’re drowning, and no matter how much you struggle and fight, you just keep going down, down, down and further down. You keep sinking further and further, until all of the air in your lungs is gone, and no matter how hard you try to scream, nothing comes out. You can talk to anyone, you can’t say a word. All you can do is keep sinking, just sink, until you finally hit the bottom. You simply want to remember what it’s like to wake up in the morning and not feel sad. 

Depression does not require justification. It is a state of being. You can’t help that you have become that, you simply have to acknowledge and move forward. Feeling guilty about it will only make you that much more depressed. By being in an environment that is perpetually incoherent to you, by allowing yourself to feel miserable, you only add to the chaos of the whirlwind of emotions. STOP feeling lonely. Loneliness will simply devour you slowly day by day. False euphoria won’t help either, don’t make yourself look like a harlot. Sleeping may drown out the bitterness or the hunger or the pain, but it is only temporary.  Alcohol, honey, go to your stove and turn the burner on high and wait about 3 minutes for the heat to fully kick in and then lay your hand down onto the heat (or flame if you’re using a gas stove) and feel the slow and painful torture it’s causing you, because that’s the same damned thing the alcohol is going to do.

It’s almost as though you feel alone and you don’t want anyone to see you that way. You’re not strong enough to ask for help because you don’t want anyone to see you the way you are at this very moment. It’s not that you chose to feel that way; it’s just that pain is all you have left. Only you can light the candles inside your soul to drown out the darkness inside you.  It will be in that moment, the moment that you drown out the semi – intoxicated trance that you are in, the moment that you realize telling yourself that you are nothing, that you don’t want to sink, in that very split second you are going to break. The walls will crash, the tears will come. Let them fall.  

The fact of the matter hides in the realization that it is not that you are too strong to reach out. My loves, it is that you haven’t surrounded yourself with the people you need to reach into your barriers, through your bubbles and pull you to the surface of the top layer of self absorbed chaotic hell that you’ve allowed yourself to be in. YOU NEED THOSE PEOPLE. You need that one person, and in my experience, it has never been a significant other and you cannot wait for your children to be those people, it will kill them. IT FORCES them into a role in life they are completely not prepared for! DO NOT DO THIS TO THEM. You need that friend or family member, the one that you turn to when things become detrimentally fierce and the winds in your soul won’t subside. LET THEM IN. Be strong enough to let them in.

 You are an ocean in this moment, calm and gentle. You can be a raging sea, you just need that push. What you have to realize is that there is a whole world inside of you! You are beautiful. You are lovely. You are charismatic. You are a gift to life. Anyone and everyone’s life. If you wake up and place your hand over your heart and then take a deep breath,   did you feel that beating? Did you inhale fresh air? Now, look around you. Is the sun shining or is the night air completely settled in around you? Do you see the stars in the sky or the rays of the sun beating down onto the freshly dew dipped grass?

YOU ARE HERE BECAUSE YOU MEAN SOMETHING.

Your purpose may not be clear yet, but it has reasoning.  Give it time. Just because you have one bad day, or one bad week, hell I’m almost at the end of one MISERABLE month, do not let that drag you down!!! YOU HAVE GOT THIS! Get your ass in gear and PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER. One step towards progress kicks the hell out of everyone sitting there on the sidelines telling you – you can’t make it, you can’t do it. SCREW ‘em. Get up. Get dressed. Put your plans into action.

Go kick some ass. ;)

You bore me... No, seriously, you do.

It’s Time to Let Go
(It will all be okay)

Sometimes letting go of a dream from your past hurts just as much as letting go of a dream that involves your future. The regrets will always be there, but eventually you must move on, even in some cases consider it a selfish thing to do if you stay. Although, sometimes you’ll cherish every moment of those wild and rebellious regrets so much so that you seek out that person you were in those seconds, the spontaneity and fire in the eyes of the person that the actions held dreaming that you could be that person in every moment of your life. Then the skeptic in us, do we ever really learn how to let go?  Maybe we just learn how to deal?

I used to close my eyes, and listen to you breathe, syncing my breath to the relaxations of your lungs. Your heart beat a poly rhythm I couldn’t match. I would breathe in, relax my mind and submerge into this cloud of absolute nothingness, even sometimes feel my eyes water from the desire to feel at peace with my mind like my body did around you, and still not ever simplify myself enough to reach my emotional desires. In a sense, I held on too easily.


When I am alone for too long my mind starts to wonder and my heart gets into trouble. I contemplate picking up my phone, knowing all along, you won’t reply, but tempting my luck and trying anyway. Understanding that lesson should have happened long ago, just as understanding you should have happened long ago. You’re me in the male form.  Face it, how much have you actually finished in your life, things that you’ve started to work on, and never actually finished. Things you may have been interested in, tried, got bored with, and let go.
My friends and family used to panic when I used the term “dating” … They never panicked for me though. Only for the person involved. After my divorce it became a running game of sorts. I became the family member they bet on, joked with, and dug for weekend stories in. (Oh, come on, we’ve all got that member that shows up at 1 o’clock when the gathering began promptly at 11 o’clock, all blurry eyed and sobering up, we’ve all been there in reality, don’t kid yourself)
They only panicked because they knew the drill. I’d amuse myself with the persons stories, refrain from physical contact, and humor myself with their emotional efforts to connect… and then, the moment that I began to allow myself to emotionally have my feelings sewn to that person, far before any sexual contact occurred .. I’d snip the cords and wean myself back into the normalcy of my 8-4 P.M. job and tiny little fingers entwined in mine, refusing to settle for anything less than fireworks. Nearly content with the terminally single side of my comfort zone, and then you come along.

Out of nowhere that night, you walked into the bar, batted those eyes, and caused my knees to feel weaker than they have ever felt before. You hadn’t been roped, and I think more than anything I was determined, come hell or high water, that I would figure out why. I’ll say, I did a damned good job hanging in there…


…. 4/12
Funny that I ran back across this file, and I can not bring myself to delete it. Sucks actually, because after a year and nearly a half of being (not second, but fifth best…) to everything in your life, I should have the wanton to erase every single horrid memory of how weak I’ve become out of my life, yet, I cringe at the very thought of erasing any memory of you out of my life.

Yesterday we buried a man, who, stood beside me regardless of my decisions.
“There is nothing in this entire world that could replace the memories gained with your loved ones in time, so I’ve asked God to take extra special care of the ones you can’t remember, so that you can share them with your stories down the road, because the three of you deserve more than anyone could ever give you. Keep looking like you don’t understand in life, always ask questions, always remember your promises to one another. You’ve began a miracle in raising these two, and if you’ll instill loyalty and trust, nothing is impossible. One of the most wonderful achievements in my life, is that I’ve been able to go through all of this with you, to watch you grow into the strong and vulnerable woman that you are, and your vulnerability is proof that no matter what, you’re only human in the end. Remember that as you let your children into this world, and let them go slowly.
I miss mornings waking up beside you. Miserably. Nana says that sting will haunt me until I pass it with liquor or death. I prefer neither; I just know that this sting is something beyond anything I’ve ever felt before. I’d do anything to wake up and feel your arm around me, snuggle my head back in your chest, and listen to your heart beat rapidly again. As silly as it sounds, I’d give anything to have you come into the bedroom of the old house, freezing cold, complaining because you smell like the fire at from your evening social gatherings, and jump under the covers with you begging you not to run so I could warm my toes up again. Silly, I know. I know.
Somehow I managed to forget those small things. . .

1/11/13

Funny. Two years to write to tell you that I love you. I could say it. I could write it. I couldn’t grasp it enough to express its intent, but I knew it was real.

Was.

We were never right for each other. We were the wrong people coming into the right time. It never got easier, it just got simpler to acknowledge with time. Regrettably so. The nightmares are back. The ones where I’m in the black room and I can hear their voices and can’t get to them. This time, I can hear yours too. I thought by now it wouldn’t mean so much, but funny how our thoughts eat us alive sometimes. Is it thoughts or regret that keep me awake at night? Regret for never slowing down and never breaking down my wall? Thoughts that maybe someone will come holding a silver platter with all the answers to all of the questions that burn the candle that keeps me awake at night? Why is it that you always come to the rescue and never even mean to? You just always happen along, but never with the right words.

3/13

I’d expect to finish this blog/journal/whatever the hell it is tonight.  I remember writing them all. I remember that no matter how much I tried to suppress the tears, they came flowing in with no way of controlling them. I hate you for making me so weak, yet love you for making me realize that I was capable of being human and able to feel. As much as I miss your embrace, I’m over you.

My children love me unconditionally. I’ve drowned myself in them to suppress the loneliness that creeps in from time to time. That’s the hardest part of this whole damned thing. I loathe the way that alone feels. I’ve got no one but myself to blame for that either by the way. Refusal to commit is a bitch. I just feel like if I settle for partial happiness I let us all down in the most miserable way possible. I can be perfectly content washing my own damned laundry without having someone bitching at me for no apparent reason other than he had a bad day, it makes sleeping alone look cozy.