This I Promise You...

Less inspiration, more self creation.

We are all making mistakes.

Create a life that feels good on the inside, not just looks good on the outside.

Try something different, even if you don't think it will work.

You do not ever need a reason to help people.

Growing up, it is pretty expensive.

You will find that it is necessary to let things go, simply because they can weigh rather heavily.

Things will always get better.

Mistakes, the portals of discovery.

You can not live a positive life with a negative mind.

Everything is different now, but anything is still possible.

Good things do not come to those who wait. Good things come to those who work their asses off and never give up.

Nothing worth having comes easily. The pressure is good for you.

Do not worry your life away. Forget shit and move on.

Travel often.

Do good.

Others are great, but you can be greater.

Do not be so hard on yourself, someone else will do that for you.

If you would spend less time bitching about life, you would possibly enjoy it more.

You wonderful, brilliant, talented, beautiful, courageous person you.

It is not what you look at that matters most, it's what you see.

In the grand scheme of things, it really is none of your business.

Surround yourself with people who are going to lift you higher, and you make yourself able to do the same for others.

Get lost and find yourself, that is a large part of being able to make others happy, making yourself content firsthand.

Dreams don't work unless you do, do not give up.

Acceptance is Key...

... and acknowledging that something needs acceptance is only the beginning of the war waging within.

My mind has been a whirlwind of chaos over the last two months. The move, the house, the job transfer, the kids, the school work, the pregnancy and the unexpected circumstances in between are driving me silly.

I have so many blessings to be grateful for despite the odds and I continue to thank God for each and every one of them.

The biggest weight has been not in the conditions at hand, but in not being able to place these feelings into words. I've always been able to solidify my emotions into print, rather talented at taking the most scarce of inkling thoughts and turning them into concrete obstacles in my attempt to over come the internal demons that occasionally possess my mind. Lately however, not so much. Not until recently.

I've filled journal after journal page with abstract thoughts and after several attempts to break down the insanity of scribbles and tears, I see a pattern of pain and low tolerances. Everyone gets lonely. Everyone gets scared. Everyone wants happiness.

I think at some point though, when depression weighs upon us, that it eventually runs it's toll until we either figure out what causes it or until we have it treated and medicated. I won't lie to you for the sake of masking my personal levels of pride, I think I was the same level of 'out of it' that Britney was when she went nuts and shaved her head. I just happen to have had children that were strong enough to keep me grounded long enough for me not to lose myself in the hell I had created.

Once I got the news of the pregnancy, what little foundation I had left collapsed around me. I couldn't bring myself to accept the welcomed news right off. It took, oh hell, it's still taking me time to adapt to the fact that his initial response ranged no further than the letter A alphabetically. Abortion and adoption are two options, he said. I however, know that overcoming the obstacles where my children are concerned is exactly what God blessed me with to pull me this far and since the odds were stacked with making a baby in this body anyway, will find the absolute best courage I can muster up and shove this challenge head on, it's my privilege and this baby's right to know the beauty of love and life and laughter. Who the hell did he think he was anyway? Surely God will deal the circumstances he sees fit for both of us in this situation. I have faith.

Speaking of faith. The journal entries. I couldn't understand them. I had written them, I just couldn't process the words in front of me. Frustrated and infuriated that the thoughts written on those pages in front of me, I gave up for a week or so. It left me bitter and confused. I knew if I didn't press on and find something to occupy my mind that it was going to drive me absolutely crazy. Yet, after a weekend that I adored, I could slightly feel the words on those pages beginning to form a picture that was all too familiar and the clarity was becoming breathe taking. I'll save those details because I'll need them to explain another story, but as I always seem to find myself doing, I called upon a very dear person who summed up my theories with one sentence, brace yourselves ...

Would you rather spend half your life with someone who cares for you or would you enjoy spending all of your life alone with the person who makes you the most miserable, yourself?

Well. When you say it like that...

The options become as clear as a sunrise over an empty field. Happiness is worth seeking. Tear down the walls, brick by brick. Melt the ice, molecule by molecule. Learn to smile and say I miss you, all over again. I promise you, your heart is immediately going to begin to heal. You're going to find a peace of mind that has long since been forgotten. Say sweet dreams and good morning, it won't kill you. Make the attempt, because if you do nothing else, you're teaching yourself to open up, and that tight lipped - iced over - hate the world feeling, it all begins to immediately disappear. The relief in saying it is small compared to the flattery of hearing it in return.

The coy little half smirk when you read those messages, it comes back. The heart does still flutter just a little. I promise you all of these things and I also vow to you, you're going to learn to care again in a whole new light. Not just for that person either. You'll view your family relationships more clearly too. Everything that becomes mundane in our routines, it has a ray of sun light pushing you along after you master those concepts. Don't fret, it took me typing and deleting it about six times too. Keep trying.

The problem with closing yourself up is relearning to open yourself when you're speechless and lethargic to your own surroundings. You owe it to yourself to see where this path on your road leads. You deserve that smile. It looks good on you.

Remember that.

The mind directs the eyes...

... and eyes direct the soul.

Live as if everything you do will eventually be known and treat others as if you can see the effects before you act.

Honesty can in fact, be gentle. It is not how much I have been mistreated or how many bad judgment calls I have made in the past that keeps me stuck, it is my fear of acknowledging my contributions to the effects in the present. I have learned however, that a person's contributions to their pain is often no more than holding onto a wound that should have healed a long time ago. I refuse to remain living proof of another persons guilty conscious.

I will not hurt over your decisions because I refuse to take responsibility for my own actions, but I will also not hurt over your decisions to be irresponsible on the same note. Pain breaks down resistance to awareness. If it's really pain, and if I see it perfectly clearly, I can not deny the price I pay for being victim to my own life or my own past. Nothing I do makes the memory of each action float away, but it helps push me until I realize that what I hold onto is what I have.

There is a time to let things happen and a time to make things happen. Permanently comfortable is not optional. The puzzling simplicity of our personal views on the outcomes of our lives are not solved. If we don't move, we die. Mentally and physically.

I grow because my pride has been broken by unyielding realities. I know the difference in the smell of egos rewards and the fragrances of the heart. I grow because you held me up for the rain to wash me down.

A time comes when it's just time to clean house. No, you need to go way beyond a simple spring cleaning. You need to burn the house down with yourself inside of it, then you need to walk away from the ashes and ambers and say to yourself,  I have no name. You can't help anyone by losing your soul. In fact, if it is beginning to destroy you, you can be confident it is not there to help anyone else.